This week there will be a train rape on New England. It's as simple as that.
Basically just 2 snow storms happening simultaneously will put snow watchers in ecstasy, with a possible 8-10 inches in Maine.
"Another snowstorm, on the heels of today's, will lumber into the northeastern U.S. tomorrow."
-Weather.com
Another amazing selection of words by Weather Channel. In fact, let's put that word under the microscope..
lum·ber1 –noun
1.timber sawed or split into planks, boards, etc.
ok maybe, but what about the second defintion?
2.miscellaneous useless articles that are stored away.
Ok that sounds alot more like Weather.com now that I think of it. When people want up-to-date information about weather (which they rarely do) they come straight to NatesWeather.com
In fact I don't even know why I quote weather.com anymore, I should be quoting myself.
:)
Intra-Week (12-31) Forecast
Weekend Write-Up (12-30)
Because I am largely african-american, I will thrive to make my posts before 6pm not 4pm. Also, weekend write-ups are now optional for me, if there's nothing to write about.. then I'll just go back to sleep.
Pretty simple :)
Post-Week Forecast (12-27)
"Lots'o Snow",
Makes the headlines today. Well, not really. That was just interpreted by me while reading some of Weather.com's daily material..
"Snow levels will rise to 1500 feet western Washington Friday before lowering back to a few hundred feet by Sunday and Monday. Snow levels in northern California will inch up to 4500 feet by Saturday before lowering again."
Did you hear that?? 4,500 feet of snow?! You could build a snowman the size of godzilla and destroy Chinatown with that. In fact you could probably build 8 godzilla snowmen with that amount of snow. And for some reason that bit of information only accounts for approximately one twentieth (1/20) of the national forecast on Weather Channel.
"A band of snow will rapidly shift from Kansas to southern Wisconsin and Lower Michigan during the day. Most areas in this corridor may pick up 1 to 4 inches of snow but a few towns in Kansas and Lower Michigan could see up to 7 inches. There may even be a little thunder snow."
-Weather.com
Thunder snow?? Thunder snowww?!
Does that even exist? That's the kinda shit that is competing for the press time of the "4,500 feet of snow story". The only thunder snow I see is the other area forecasts stealing the thunder from this big snow.
Intra-Week (12-24)
It comes as no surprise this year, after all the ice, snow and chaos we had to endure - our indian summer arrives wrapped up in a gift to be opened on Christmas morning. Along with a remote control triggered shotgun.
That's right folks - the only people who get snow on Christmas is not even "people" but a person. It will be snowing throughout the rocky mountains.. but i'm pretty sure it snows there about every day.
Moving on.. throughout the week it's going to either be dry or wet. And what I mean by that is, every part of the mainland will have about half a week of either droughts or floods, then they'll change it up a bit with the inverse on the other half. Just to keep you on guard, and the meteorologists fired.
Merry Christmas!
Weekend Write-up (12-23)
I have some rather important information regarding this site at this moment. Because I am concerned about this site's longterm future, I will now be making 2 (two) posts a week. Most likely Monday and Thursday.
What does that mean for you? Quality posts. Ones possibly worthy of making the front page of Digg or other gay websites. This site is still in its infant stages and just needs a good kick in the ass throughout the internet to become the one real source of weather updates and information.
.. that's all for today, see ya tomorrow!
Friday (12-21) Forecast
Today we're gonna talk about the Midwest cause quite frankly I'm tired of the rest of the country. I like the Midwest because 4 people live there and the less people there are, the less the weather pisses me off. "This weekend, the foggy, drizzly and stagnant pattern will be whisked away by a windy wet storm."
-Weather.com
So basically it will be replaced by all the same shit.
"Christmas Eve and Christmas Day could be quiet region-wide except for snow showers near the Canadian border Monday and in the high Plains of South Dakota and Nebraska Tuesday."
Ok so let's divide the Midwest by approximately 4 because that seems to be the amount of land they're talking about. Then we carry that conversion to the population and we arrive at 1 person effected by that system. Actually no, since there are really 2 families in the Midwest, noone will be affected..
That entire sentence Weather.com wrote was a complete waste of energy. Moreover, this entire forecast today was a waste of energy. I regret ever writing it, but there's no looking back..
Thursday (12-20) Forecast
"White, wet, and wild"
No, I happen to not be talking about white supremacist porn. (unfortunately) That is the ACTUAL headline for Weather.com on the front page.
But I suppose I can use analogies to get this report across..
The Northeast today is like a large, white pornstar. Because it accumulated so much snow. And the southeast is very much like an innocent hooker getting rained on, from the large white pornstar.. if you can follow along.
So basically we're looking at a white northeast and still raining southeast. That happens to be the end of the report today, see ya tomorrow ;)
Wednesday (12-19) Forecast
All of a sudden there's a "disturbance" as weather.com calls it, throughout the northeast today. And by that we can usually assume there's about 10+ inches of snow in some areas of New England, because 10 and disturbance go hand in hand apparently. Possibly because there's 10 letters in the word disturbance? Actually 11, but that's what the + sign is for.
The west..
same shit as yesterday. The weather system barely moved, it must be because people love it so much. I've actually gotten emails from some folk telling me how much they enjoy that weather system.
Speaking of enjoyable weather, it's time for the Wednesday International Forecast:
In Fujin, China it is 0 degrees outside. Zero, probably for the number of chances children have if they fuck up during slave labor.
But I mean how would the weather know, just a coincidence i guess :)
Tuesday (12-18) Forecast
It was no lie yesterday when I got on and foresaw the coming devastation that was to be of the gold-digging west.
Today marks the beginning of a few storms that will gently dry-hump the West. Not only do they get awesome amounts of precipitation but gusts of wind up to 40 mph and 60 mph across the Sierra ridge tops. I've driven in cars that can go faster than that, so that's not really news.
This is all a result of when 49 states can agree on hating one state and then God makes that entire region suffer. Congratulations California!!!
And in the east things are..
not worth reporting.
Monday (12-17) Forecast
Well, I don't mean to be too blunt or offensive for some of my more "happy" viewers but I do foresee a pretty gay week ahead. How do i know this? Well a look at the national weather radar and you can see "the west is about to get pounded."
And who lives in the west? That's what I thought.
Today itself is pretty clear, it's the rest of the week I'm focusing on. There's basically gonna be some gay rain showers to hit all those coastal regions and some gayer snow to lay on all those mountain peaks. But none of this has happened yet so most people are crossing their fingers hoping they don't get gayed up.
Other than that we have some rain storms that will casually slap the coastal south, Texas and Louisiana. So there may be a lot of undocumented workers inside later this week playing cards.. or whatever they do when it rains.
That's pretty much it for today. Have a good 'ol gay Monday ;)
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ps. I kinda lied about the template being ready for today. I'm having a hard time getting it up.
Upgrades will come when they cum I guess..
=0
Weekend Write-Up (12-15)
Well this has been a rather successful week as more supporters have walked the lonely deserts of the internet in hopes of REAL weather reporting. Fortunately most of them have found the haven of NatesWeather.com
I will have a new template/design ready by Monday, as a new week of challenging weather reports unfolds. I'm still learning small degrees of the customizing technology available for this site and will continue to upgrade it. Until I've found the true purpose of my life, I would prefer my hardcore fans to bookmark or favorite this site instead of or in addition to subscribing. However, if you enjoy 6 emails a week from my site, then i highly suggest you subscribe.
For those of you wondering the time of day my reports are generally made, I like to issue them anytime before 4pm Eastern Time.
Have a great sunday!!!
Friendship Friday (12-14) Forecast
The following has been written by a guest writer. Nate is on vacation, resting his mind, preparing for another intense week of straight up weather reporting.
"Well, Good news for the Patriots fans of the country, the rape you've just endured in snow-format is about to come to an end, and guess what Colorado, you're next! Expect about a foot in central Colorado, and slightly less in surrounding areas. I don't think anyone is gonna be too concerned about this news though because I don't think anyone even lives in Colorado, Kansas or Utah.
As if to make matters worse, there's an animated slut dancing like she has a caterpillar for a spine because of low car insurance rates in her state. I don't care. (Weather.com)
All below Colorado, in like New Mexico, Texas, the whole way to the east until Georgia, it's all raining. If you're curious to know how much rain, just get a bucket and a measuring tape, I'm not getting into specific details.
Keep your eyes peeled if you live in PA, VA, MD or southern New York, because to put it frankly, we're all fucked. Rain and sleet in the warmer weather is going to lay dormant, as a block of cold air moves over it all and turns it to ice, making everything stuck, and if it's not stuck, it's sliding uncontrollably, so get out of the way!!!"
-Ghost
Have a nice weekend everyone, don't miss the Weekend Write-up!
Thursday (12-13) Forecast
Wow, I was right again!! That makes me 2-0 now and I am currently undefeated in weather reporting. If you kindly go over to the right at my Weather Panel you will see a visual of exactly what I described yesterday.
New England is getting hammered right now and you will find my competitors using nouns of their own. "A swath of 5- to 10-inch snowfall is likely from southern New York and northern Pennsylvania through southern New England."
- Weather.com
That's a bold statement. I decided to go to look up the word swath at dictionary.com for further analysis.
–noun
| 1. | the space covered by the stroke of a scythe or the cut of a mowing machine. |
Last time I checked snowfall did not come down in chunks of lawn mowers, nice try Weather Channel.
Ok and I know I've put a little bit too much attention into New England lately so I'll touch up on some other areas around the country..
The Midwest is basically getting windy and the south is receiving a cold front accompanied with some showers and all that fun shit. Literally, everyone's enjoying it.
That's all for today, have a safe ride home (if you're reading this in a car).
Wednesday (12-12) Forecast
Ok so after closely studying the weather today there doesn't seem to be anything too epic at the moment so meteorologists are basically having fun guessing what the future will hold. Now i don't know what they're saying, but i'm saying there's going to be some heavy snow across New England. "Much of the Northeast gets a chance at precipitation over the next couple of days." -Weather Channel. Ok, maybe I glanced over a couple of things they were saying but I'd say I have a better selection of words..
There will also be a wintry mix in Pennsylvania (where I live ofcourse).. and when i say wintry mix i actually mean ice storms of death. But these storms aren't generally what you'd expect from the name. You can enjoy watching it all come down as you sit on your porch if you like (if you live in southern PA), or if you live more north you can always enjoy watching the snow come down as you sit on your porch.. those are just some friendly suggestions from myself.
Now for the Wednesday International Weather Report:
In Niger, Africa it is currently 82 degrees and mostly clear skies.. of course under those skies there are genocidal tribes burning down local villages for their recreational enjoyment.
And that wraps up today folks!
Tuesday (12-11) Forecast
Well after studying the national weather today, I find that my previous posts have held true! Did you think i was kidding when i said that icy weather system was going to hit all the populated areas of the unpopulated Midwest? Nope, I was 100% accurate.
"Much of that rain froze on contact with trees and powerlines, and this contributed to what's being reported to be the largest power outage in Oklahoma history." - Weather.com
You can applaud me later.. But if you look over at my weather panel, you can see where the system is headed, up to Chicago and Michigan where there are many unused nooses. For whatever reason, people just not getting around to it or whatever excuses they want to throw out there..
Don't you worry this system will likely affect every major city in the nation and that is my word. Except for New Orleans because the weather would be prosecuted with a hate crime if it did, but that's a whole 'nother story.
There's also some lake-effect snows coming in around the northeast and expecting the most (2 -5 inches) around the US/Canadian Border. So all those illegal immigrants coming down from the north, put on your snow boots and a scarf because it'll likely be a long, sludgy walk.
That's all for day, have a great ass day.
Monday (12-10) Forecast
Well i went outside last night to let my dog out and it was foggy as fuck. That should be a pretty good indicator of what today's weather looks like across the nation.. well probably only in Delaware. Except i didn't actually check Delaware's forecast i'm just guessing that's where the system moved to.. so don't get upset all you Delawarians if it's not foggy as shit outside.
The big news of today is the epic ice storms over Central US. And when i say epic, i mean epic. "The storm responsible for all of the ice is an upper-level whirl centered over the Southwest." -Weather.com Yeah uh, i'll leave that edgy fact up to the meteorologist but i say mother nature is looking for a place to dump it's icy shit and the Midwest sparked it's interest because about 3 people live there. (Don't get offended if you're one of those 3).
"Up to 3 feet of snow may bury the southwest slopes of the San Juans in southwest Colorado." -Weather.com That's a lot of fucking snow. I mean you could leave a baby out in that, go back inside to get a cup of water and completely forget you left it out there. That's how high it would be.
Well, that's as much as I see it - have a nice day.
Weekend Write-Up (12-9)
As you know, every weekday I'll give a national forecast in my own words. But what about the weekend? Well I will do what is called the Weekend Write-up where I write news, progress and anything else about the site as to keep this multi-dimensional. This project is 3 days old now and I am still customizing it so it hasn't even been marketed yet. Nates Weather will first appear in public on Monday and will slowly be marketed. The rest is history..
Friday (12-7) Forecast
Well it looks like there's a big shitty weather system rolling across the mainland now: from Kansas the whole way up to where i'm typing in Pennsylvania. "A mix of freezing rain, sleet and snow will make for dangerous travel throughout the midwest." -Weather Channel
Dangerous travel as in people packing a shotgun in the car in case they need to put the barrel to their chin and pull the trigger with their toes? maybe that kind of dangerous.. This is the kind of weather that nature loves producing when not enough people are killing themselves. This is kinda a kick in the ass saying "pull out the noose already." I know the weather folks, i can look at the map right now and tell it's gonna hit all those populated cities, I would hide all of your husband's ammo as soon as you are done reading this.
